New month, continued new attitude. Its impossible to compete with people, and really, its a self defeating moment. It made me feel ill, moments of self doubt, and left me with a hunger, for something. Changing how I live has not been done over night, but by baby steps. Knowing I can control only myself and how I live, and how I model for my children, I can hope for the best with my family and friends, lend an ear, lend my time, and then move forward.
I was reminded of that today when I heard a podcast about the chronically homeless in our hometown. Its not just released criminals on the street, the mentally ill sleeping on a bench, instead its more working class, white collar, more families, car sleeping, rv parking, even tent cities. Not just in the bad side of downtown, but hidden in areas of wealth, by the freeways, near the malls. Unless you knew what to look for, you'd miss it. No one think it can happen-I've seen it happen. Savings get drained, illnesses, layoffs, it all happens, one thing leads to another. It may take a year for the bottom to fall out, or maybe sooner, but it can and does happen. I'll never forget seeing the sheer desperation of parents wondering how they're going to feed their kids, welcoming them into a shelter for one meal (only to have to turn them away for beds since we were at capacity). It sucked. More so now I think about it and wonder how I could do that, being a mom myself. R thinks I'm a liberal hearted hippie, the way I think and he way I view the world. But really, its moments like this I want to focus on my family, make sure we have our basic needs, and then give to others. I may want a cricut, a sewing machine, any number of scrapboking treats for myself, toys for the kids, something fun for R, but now I know is the time to keep marching forward. We have our needs met, no reason to buy just to buy, the kids are learning that more everyday. I know we want to give our children the world, they may not get Disneyland, but after seeing G's face playing ball last night, or the boys playing with markers (all over their faces and hands this evening), thy sure do have a lot. And that's good enough.