Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Good days and bad

I get why people say to take life minute by minute when life gets hard. That's how I've been living life. I still feel like a shell of my former self-looking at pictures that I took, even of ones on this blog, and I'm thinking, "Who is this?" I don't think I have/had an ego problem, I was confident-I loved myself and the life I have created for myself (especially since I feel like one door slammed shut when I was kicked out years ago). Yet grappling with grief, the old demons rear their head and I have to physically/mentally remind myself that I am 34 years old-not an adolescent trying to figure herself out. That's a mouthful, eh?

Yesterday was a bad day. Today was a good day. It helps to give into the power of sleep when your eyes can no longer stay open, and all you can do is pray that all that is out of your control will fall into place the way its meant to be. Today it all fell into place. I brought my cookies to the annual MOMS Club cookie exchange, and Rebecca and I had our fill of playtime and companionship. We then went to be Elijah's holiday performance, and brought home the treats to make a gingerbread house. I squared away the details for the Spell A Thon fundraiser. Now the majority of time needs to be spent on soliciting awesome prizes for the children. The rest of the afternoon is puttering around-pick ups, drop off at cub scouts, drop off at taokwondo, pickups, dinner, and family fun. Its a much better day all ready. Even if I fall apart fifteen minutes from now, I had so many minutes of happiness.

I for that. Its hard being cheery and in the holiday spirit when I feel like a tower of gloom. I take it minute by minute, ordering New Years Cards when I was ready. Getting the Christmas tree when I was ready. I'll do what I can do, and what doesn't get done, won't get done. I'm over it.

Minute by minute is how I need to live right now.

Sunday, November 17, 2013


The weight of the world has been on my chest for one month (calender month, not week wise). I am over the bouncing attitudes, the bipolar-ness of happiness to dread and murky feelings. I want life back to normal but have no way of finding my way there. 

A friend from couples group said it will take a year, maybe more, to process this loss. How I wished so many times already that I could do just that. I hate how depressed my husband gets, feeling helpless about how both (biological) parents  are gone. I get that its a part of life, but I rather it not be part of ours. Selfish yes, true yes. Hate me for saying that, bite me. I'm not going to judge others, so don't judge me.

I thought of her this week, prepping for birthday party treats and party and sitting here it still makes me want to cry. I used to call her along the prep and day of, she was slowly unable to come out and celebrate with us. The kids miss the simple birthday cards. I miss seeing her handwriting.

It's a pit in my stomach type of feeling trying to be happy and enjoy the moments in front of me while not forgetting what has happened. I desperately want to wake up from this. I can't call it a nightmare.  Knowing parents have sick kids dying of cancer is a nightmare. Knowing kids lost their entire family in a super typhoon is a nightmare. I can't wrap my head around calling our loss a nightmare but it still sucks.

I don't have all the answers. Recording and releasing my words does help.

Thursday, November 7, 2013


So much has happened in the past four months. Feels like an eternity. Life happened. The short version takes my breath away. My brother married his best friend, and I have an awesome sister-in-law and niece. They announced a baby is on the way. Our kitchen was gutted, and the flooring in half our home was replaced over a six month period. School started, and I have a 4th & 3rd grader, 2nd year transitional kindergartener, and a preschooler. We lost Robert's mom. One of those by itself would be enough to handle, but the combined, and the last has been my undoing. It has set me off in ways I can't put into words, and left me lost, hurt, sad. I am navigating uncharted territory, and have yet to find the outlet that will heal my heart. I cannot forget my husband or our babies, his mom was our mom. I need to figure out a new normal. This blog was part of my "normal" and I have missed it. Life happened.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

happy heart

My friend wrote: Channeling my inner Suzie homemaker today--I made 45 friggen jars of jam (had to rescue fruit from a new friend's broken freezer, had to be used today)! I feel like a kitchen warrior lol and I am so tired
&Can I just say how much I love this group? All of you feel like a lovely EP family to me and it's awesome :) case in point-- thanks so much Jennifer, who I hadn't even met before she offered me her defrosting food (a lifesaver btw, my husband has only been working 20hrs/week and picking up shifts when possible but this month is hard and we're struggling) and now my house smells great as I cook up free (to me) chicken, pasta sauce, a pizza yesterday, bacon & biscuits this morning, etc. Not to mention all that amazing jam. Sorry for the long weepy post but things like the camaraderie we have here make me smile, and I wanted to thank you all for making that happen :)

I responded: I told my husband tonight how excited I was that I gave the food away before everything was a complete loss and I felt so much better giving you the contents of the freezer after I rant out of stuff on Saturday when you came over. Add in my feeling all emotional on a trip out to the Bay Area, and realizing how I could not ask for a better place to live-and so much more. ahhh my heart is happy tonight.

I love the picture she posted, I love how my kitchen disaster turned into this beautiful food. I am so very thankful to be where I am, in the midst of all this chaos, something turned out so wonderful for someone else.

Photo: Channeling my inner Suzie homemaker today--I made 45 friggen jars of jam (had to rescue fruit from a new friend's broken freezer, had to be used today)! I feel like a kitchen warrior lol and I am so tired

Wednesday, June 19, 2013


It hangs over my head-the suffocating blanket of lack of control-and I do what I can-what I hope will ease it. Yet it's a daily struggle, every time I step onto the broken floor, see dishes in the hall bathroom *rare, but it happens* or the boxes slowly getting added to in the living room, and I cannot wait for it to be over. Yet, I'm reminded that this is such a first world problem, and I look for peace. I don't have to go far to be reminded of blessings in front of me-but yet I look for peace. It comes in waves, and I look to cling to them.

My reading material to get me through: No More Perfect Moms and Unglued. Both authors, respectively, Jill Savage and Lysa TerKeurst, I find relatable, honest, and real. I need that. My sanity needs that.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Here or there, or anywhere

'I had to take a break from blogging-it was needed-for my sanity and well being, I needed to focus on the needs of my children and my husband. Who is this woman and what has she done with the real me? Suffice it to say, the past 6 weeks have been one rolling event after another-with little to no downtime to recharge. I didn't realize how tired I was until Robert let me sleep until I woke up, and it was already 8:30 am. Completely unlike me (since I'm usually up at 5:45 a.m.-6 a.m.). I am relieved summer is here-for so many reasons-first of which the time is our own to do as we wish. This is always the time of year I have to remind myself not to be envious of homeschoolers/unschoolers, for this is their normal-and we all do what we can for the sake of our family.That said, I love summer, it definitely is our downtime.

The kids are signed up for 3 different Vacation Bible Schools-their choice, I just told them about them and asked for their input. We tend to our puppies-yes, puppies They are now 11 week old Australian Heeler/Border Collie mix, although our female looks more german shepard *all the nine puppies from this litter looked different from one another. Best decision we've made regarding pets now that we can handle all that comes with owning pets.
We also have the massive kitchen remodel-which has yet to be demolished. Add in various trips, my brother's wedding, trips to the Bay Area, beach, all over the state, it adds up to downtime for the kids and I. Who am I kidding? It sounds less like downtime, but it will be fun, and I couldn't ask for anything more than having my kids alongside me for the summer. I have gone back and forth on whether to pull the plug on this journal-yet I'm not there yet on doing it. I don't havew many readers, but I do like having a place for me to express my thoughts-and chronicle what is going on in my life. So that said, I have high hopes for a regular schedule-but life happens. The break is over though, the blog entries I want to write down exist.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Day 3: This is really good!

Happy hour at Starbucks!

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Day 2: Morning ritual

Breakfast (although none today, bad idea, but crazy busy!) This is what I had for breakfast one morning at Women's Retreat.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

May 2013 FMS/ Day 1: Something I bought

Here's the link for this month's photo challenge.
Day 1: I recently bought a new laptop, replacing the six year old laptop my brother had given me (which had replaced the 8 year old laptop last year).

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Monday, April 29, 2013

Day 29: I wore this today

My new shirt from the Gilroy Outlets (The Loft)

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Day 27: Earth

My view from our cabin at Redwood Christian Park 2013 Women's Retreat

Friday, April 26, 2013

Day 26: Childhood

Passing by quickly-wasn't it just yestreday I was putting these gates up for my own children. Now I am passing them onto someone with younger children.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Day 25: Life is

Full, and blessed.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Day 24: I saw this person today

In honor of our 9 year wedding anniversary (and I saw my husband today).

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Day 23: Time

With all the kitchen issues going on, I remember the time we first got our house keys. My husband looks so young here.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Day 22: Blurry

Silly girl!

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Day 21: Fire

Fired up to clean up our mess!

Day 19: Button

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Day 20: On your mind

Need I say more?

Friday, April 19, 2013

Day 18: Hello

Hello hot mess! (taken the morning of the 19th, since the full effect could not be seen until then)

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Day 16: Your favorite color

The bright red of fresh berries is my favorite color right now.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Day 15: Alone

When I have the rare opportunity to eat alone, I try somewhere new. Today it was Bella Cafe.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Day 14: water

Our pool

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Day 13: View from my bed

An obsence amount of reading material by my bed. This is where the free magazines get relegated to in my home.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Day 12: In the middle

Gabriel's sweet face, in the middle of two ice cream cones

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Day 11: Detail

Detail of tiny toes (Rebecca)

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Day 10: A place

After school snack at a place with the little ones

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Day Nine: Tiny

Tiny grains of tricolor couscous from my pantry

Monday, April 8, 2013

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Day Seven: Dreamy

Rebecca sleeping and all dreamy

Passover 2013, clean eating, April

The spring air is invigorating this morning, and I have my phone fixed (yay for posting again!). I am going to upload the FMS pics for April during downtime tonight, also have pictures from Spring Break (what a fun-filled week that was!)

Passover came and went, and I am proud to say I abstained from bread/flour/grains for the eight days/nights. It was incredibly challenging at time (donuts on our day trip, eating out with the family, Easter brunch) but I made it! My body felt different too-mentally and physically, I felt clear headed, and ready to take on what I had to accomplish. I had to push through the hard parts (day 5 was the biggest challenge), but I chalk it up to not having yet grocery shopped, and being out of produce and fruit. It was much better once I shopped at the farmer's stand and grocery store.

Tomorrow is the start of Jason Vale's Big Juice Spring Clean detox. I asked Robert if he wanted to do it, but he's worried he won't have enough nourishment to go to work and feeling ill all week. In the spirit of doing what I can, we are going to participate in having juice with salads and lean protein. I'm going to limit our intake of grains and flour, but not cut it completely out. I need to maintain my weight, but having the juice and salads/protein in the house will make it easier for Robert to accomplish his goals. I've never been a fan of fad diets or extreme eating plans, but this furthers where we are headed and have been for some time.

April is filled with fun. Kids are now registered for Taekwondo, and Robert is doing it with them. I am planning on doing the women's class since it's free for me. We're just trying to get into the new routine, since Elijah's class time is different than the older boys, and Robert's class is later than all of them. We have the cub scouts pack pinewood derby, Vintage Days at Fresno State, and the women's retreat. This month is going to fly by (and then there are only 7 weeks left of school too!!!) Spring is in the air, and I can't wait to get out and enjoy it in full force. I'll be posting some updates on FB, twitter, Instagram, and here of course. Hope to see you along the way!

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Day 31: Stuff

This is just some of the stuff (clothes) I passed onto my friends who have younger children. I was able to bless five moms with the boys and Rebecca's outgrown clothes.

April's Photo a Day & Day 1: Play

Fat Mum Slip's picture list is here.

Rebecca at play :)

Day Six: Air

Enjoying fresh air at a Fresno Grizzlies ball game!

Day 29: Goodnight

He was completely exhausted, and fell asleep in this odd positio.

Day 28: In the mirror

My hair, pre-cut and style

Day 27: Pair

Pair of feet during an organic pedicure at Thread and Sugar. No difference in price between a conventional pedi and an organic, but mentally & physically- it was refreshing and restorative.

Day 26: Something you did

I went shopping for matzoh and Passover Seder dinner fixings.

Day 25: In your drawer

My Nikon J1 camera

Day 24: Up

Gabriel, up in a tree

Friday, April 5, 2013

Day Five: Something good

The contents of my Birch Box

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Day Four: This happened today

Two new a/c units replaced on our home!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Day 3: Something beginning with A

Actress Gywneth Paltrow on a new cookbook I want to read

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Day 2: Blue

The trusty baby backpack used for my four children that is now up for sale.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Day 23: What you do for fun

I made these cards during this month's Stampin' Up technique day. Crafting, spending time with friends, it's what I do for fun.

Day 22: About you

Day 17: Green

My vintage green Betty Crocker recipe box

Day 14: Tasty

Homemade spinach lasagne

Day 8: Favorite

My favorite guy and Matthew's drawing :)