Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Yesterday was a bad day. Today was a good day. It helps to give into the power of sleep when your eyes can no longer stay open, and all you can do is pray that all that is out of your control will fall into place the way its meant to be. Today it all fell into place. I brought my cookies to the annual MOMS Club cookie exchange, and Rebecca and I had our fill of playtime and companionship. We then went to be Elijah's holiday performance, and brought home the treats to make a gingerbread house. I squared away the details for the Spell A Thon fundraiser. Now the majority of time needs to be spent on soliciting awesome prizes for the children. The rest of the afternoon is puttering around-pick ups, drop off at cub scouts, drop off at taokwondo, pickups, dinner, and family fun. Its a much better day all ready. Even if I fall apart fifteen minutes from now, I had so many minutes of happiness.
I am.so.grateful for that. Its hard being cheery and in the holiday spirit when I feel like a tower of gloom. I take it minute by minute, ordering New Years Cards when I was ready. Getting the Christmas tree when I was ready. I'll do what I can do, and what doesn't get done, well....it won't get done. I'm over it.
Minute by minute is how I need to live right now.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
The weight of the world has been on my chest for one month (calender month, not week wise). I am over the bouncing attitudes, the bipolar-ness of happiness to dread and murky feelings. I want life back to normal but have no way of finding my way there.
A friend from couples group said it will take a year, maybe more, to process this loss. How I wished so many times already that I could do just that. I hate how depressed my husband gets, feeling helpless about how both (biological) parents are gone. I get that its a part of life, but I rather it not be part of ours. Selfish yes, true yes. Hate me for saying that, bite me. I'm not going to judge others, so don't judge me.
I thought of her this week, prepping for birthday party treats and party and sitting here it still makes me want to cry. I used to call her along the prep and day of, she was slowly unable to come out and celebrate with us. The kids miss the simple birthday cards. I miss seeing her handwriting.
It's a pit in my stomach type of feeling trying to be happy and enjoy the moments in front of me while not forgetting what has happened. I desperately want to wake up from this. I can't call it a nightmare. Knowing parents have sick kids dying of cancer is a nightmare. Knowing kids lost their entire family in a super typhoon is a nightmare. I can't wrap my head around calling our loss a nightmare but it still sucks.
I don't have all the answers. Recording and releasing my words does help.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
So much has happened in the past four months. Feels like an eternity. Life happened. The short version takes my breath away. My brother married his best friend, and I have an awesome sister-in-law and niece. They announced a baby is on the way. Our kitchen was gutted, and the flooring in half our home was replaced over a six month period. School started, and I have a 4th & 3rd grader, 2nd year transitional kindergartener, and a preschooler. We lost Robert's mom. One of those by itself would be enough to handle, but the combined, and the last has been my undoing. It has set me off in ways I can't put into words, and left me lost, hurt, sad. I am navigating uncharted territory, and have yet to find the outlet that will heal my heart. I cannot forget my husband or our babies, his mom was our mom. I need to figure out a new normal. This blog was part of my "normal" and I have missed it. Life happened.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
&Can I just say how much I love this group? All of you feel like a lovely EP family to me and it's awesome :) case in point-- thanks so much Jennifer, who I hadn't even met before she offered me her defrosting food (a lifesaver btw, my husband has only been working 20hrs/week and picking up shifts when possible but this month is hard and we're struggling) and now my house smells great as I cook up free (to me) chicken, pasta sauce, a pizza yesterday, bacon & biscuits this morning, etc. Not to mention all that amazing jam. Sorry for the long weepy post but things like the camaraderie we have here make me smile, and I wanted to thank you all for making that happen :)
I responded: I told my husband tonight how excited I was that I gave the food away before everything was a complete loss and I felt so much better giving you the contents of the freezer after I rant out of stuff on Saturday when you came over. Add in my feeling all emotional on a trip out to the Bay Area, and realizing how I could not ask for a better place to live-and so much more. ahhh my heart is happy tonight.
I love the picture she posted, I love how my kitchen disaster turned into this beautiful food. I am so very thankful to be where I am, in the midst of all this chaos, something turned out so wonderful for someone else.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
My reading material to get me through: No More Perfect Moms and Unglued. Both authors, respectively, Jill Savage and Lysa TerKeurst, I find relatable, honest, and real. I need that. My sanity needs that.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
The kids are signed up for 3 different Vacation Bible Schools-their choice, I just told them about them and asked for their input. We tend to our puppies-yes, puppies They are now 11 week old Australian Heeler/Border Collie mix, although our female looks more german shepard *all the nine puppies from this litter looked different from one another. Best decision we've made regarding pets now that we can handle all that comes with owning pets.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Day 1: I recently bought a new laptop, replacing the six year old laptop my brother had given me (which had replaced the 8 year old laptop last year).
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Friday, April 26, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Friday, April 12, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Passover came and went, and I am proud to say I abstained from bread/flour/grains for the eight days/nights. It was incredibly challenging at time (donuts on our day trip, eating out with the family, Easter brunch) but I made it! My body felt different too-mentally and physically, I felt clear headed, and ready to take on what I had to accomplish. I had to push through the hard parts (day 5 was the biggest challenge), but I chalk it up to not having yet grocery shopped, and being out of produce and fruit. It was much better once I shopped at the farmer's stand and grocery store.
Tomorrow is the start of Jason Vale's Big Juice Spring Clean detox. I asked Robert if he wanted to do it, but he's worried he won't have enough nourishment to go to work and feeling ill all week. In the spirit of doing what I can, we are going to participate in having juice with salads and lean protein. I'm going to limit our intake of grains and flour, but not cut it completely out. I need to maintain my weight, but having the juice and salads/protein in the house will make it easier for Robert to accomplish his goals. I've never been a fan of fad diets or extreme eating plans, but this furthers where we are headed and have been for some time.
April is filled with fun. Kids are now registered for Taekwondo, and Robert is doing it with them. I am planning on doing the women's class since it's free for me. We're just trying to get into the new routine, since Elijah's class time is different than the older boys, and Robert's class is later than all of them. We have the cub scouts pack pinewood derby, Vintage Days at Fresno State, and the women's retreat. This month is going to fly by (and then there are only 7 weeks left of school too!!!) Spring is in the air, and I can't wait to get out and enjoy it in full force. I'll be posting some updates on FB, twitter, Instagram, and here of course. Hope to see you along the way!