Sunday, November 17, 2013


The weight of the world has been on my chest for one month (calender month, not week wise). I am over the bouncing attitudes, the bipolar-ness of happiness to dread and murky feelings. I want life back to normal but have no way of finding my way there. 

A friend from couples group said it will take a year, maybe more, to process this loss. How I wished so many times already that I could do just that. I hate how depressed my husband gets, feeling helpless about how both (biological) parents  are gone. I get that its a part of life, but I rather it not be part of ours. Selfish yes, true yes. Hate me for saying that, bite me. I'm not going to judge others, so don't judge me.

I thought of her this week, prepping for birthday party treats and party and sitting here it still makes me want to cry. I used to call her along the prep and day of, she was slowly unable to come out and celebrate with us. The kids miss the simple birthday cards. I miss seeing her handwriting.

It's a pit in my stomach type of feeling trying to be happy and enjoy the moments in front of me while not forgetting what has happened. I desperately want to wake up from this. I can't call it a nightmare.  Knowing parents have sick kids dying of cancer is a nightmare. Knowing kids lost their entire family in a super typhoon is a nightmare. I can't wrap my head around calling our loss a nightmare but it still sucks.

I don't have all the answers. Recording and releasing my words does help.

Thursday, November 7, 2013


So much has happened in the past four months. Feels like an eternity. Life happened. The short version takes my breath away. My brother married his best friend, and I have an awesome sister-in-law and niece. They announced a baby is on the way. Our kitchen was gutted, and the flooring in half our home was replaced over a six month period. School started, and I have a 4th & 3rd grader, 2nd year transitional kindergartener, and a preschooler. We lost Robert's mom. One of those by itself would be enough to handle, but the combined, and the last has been my undoing. It has set me off in ways I can't put into words, and left me lost, hurt, sad. I am navigating uncharted territory, and have yet to find the outlet that will heal my heart. I cannot forget my husband or our babies, his mom was our mom. I need to figure out a new normal. This blog was part of my "normal" and I have missed it. Life happened.