Struggling

The weight of the world has been on my chest for one month (calender month, not week wise). I am over the bouncing attitudes, the bipolar-ness of happiness to dread and murky feelings. I want life back to normal but have no way of finding my way there. 

A friend from couples group said it will take a year, maybe more, to process this loss. How I wished so many times already that I could do just that. I hate how depressed my husband gets, feeling helpless about how both (biological) parents  are gone. I get that its a part of life, but I rather it not be part of ours. Selfish yes, true yes. Hate me for saying that, bite me. I'm not going to judge others, so don't judge me.

I thought of her this week, prepping for birthday party treats and party and sitting here it still makes me want to cry. I used to call her along the prep and day of, she was slowly unable to come out and celebrate with us. The kids miss the simple birthday cards. I miss seeing her handwriting.

It's a pit in my stomach type of feeling trying to be happy and enjoy the moments in front of me while not forgetting what has happened. I desperately want to wake up from this. I can't call it a nightmare.  Knowing parents have sick kids dying of cancer is a nightmare. Knowing kids lost their entire family in a super typhoon is a nightmare. I can't wrap my head around calling our loss a nightmare but it still sucks.

I don't have all the answers. Recording and releasing my words does help.