Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Good days and bad

I get why people say to take life minute by minute when life gets hard. That's how I've been living life. I still feel like a shell of my former self-looking at pictures that I took, even of ones on this blog, and I'm thinking, "Who is this?" I don't think I have/had an ego problem, I was confident-I loved myself and the life I have created for myself (especially since I feel like one door slammed shut when I was kicked out years ago). Yet grappling with grief, the old demons rear their head and I have to physically/mentally remind myself that I am 34 years old-not an adolescent trying to figure herself out. That's a mouthful, eh?

Yesterday was a bad day. Today was a good day. It helps to give into the power of sleep when your eyes can no longer stay open, and all you can do is pray that all that is out of your control will fall into place the way its meant to be. Today it all fell into place. I brought my cookies to the annual MOMS Club cookie exchange, and Rebecca and I had our fill of playtime and companionship. We then went to be Elijah's holiday performance, and brought home the treats to make a gingerbread house. I squared away the details for the Spell A Thon fundraiser. Now the majority of time needs to be spent on soliciting awesome prizes for the children. The rest of the afternoon is puttering around-pick ups, drop off at cub scouts, drop off at taokwondo, pickups, dinner, and family fun. Its a much better day all ready. Even if I fall apart fifteen minutes from now, I had so many minutes of happiness.

I for that. Its hard being cheery and in the holiday spirit when I feel like a tower of gloom. I take it minute by minute, ordering New Years Cards when I was ready. Getting the Christmas tree when I was ready. I'll do what I can do, and what doesn't get done, won't get done. I'm over it.

Minute by minute is how I need to live right now.