Tuesday, October 12, 2010


I am nearing the 33rd week of this pregnancy, and while life has been busy, I have been trying to make time for myself-hard to pencil in with a houseful of kids. Always getting pulled in one direction or another. I came across this word-forget which article I was reading-but it was one that I heard a lot while watching Eat Pray Love a few months back, and it struck me. Contentment, not wanting more than what you already have. I had been struggling with that-more or less-wondering why I'm not as hyper focused on diaper deals, nesting, tidying up a house that stays relatively clean as far as filth goes-our home will never be a showcase home, but it does look lived in and like children reside here. My hormones have been bizarre-more than I ever remember with the boys. I lamented to R last night in between trying to get comfortable for the nth time, and apologizing for the lack of a hot cooked meal, when he looked and said, Jen, you're getting ready to have a baby-don't beat yourself up. It wasn't so much what he said, but how he said it, that helped pull me out of a fog I think I was walking through yesterday.

I looked around our home later before we went to bed and I saw something different than when I had a few hours earlier-the machine holding dishes from a dinner that was made with love-even if it was pancakes, fruit, and yogurt. It would have been fine if it was a freezer meal, or take out, but we managed with what was already here. Clothes waiting to be folded-but yet they were clean. Books scattered-for the love of the boys and my reading, glad those were around. Toys, random to me, loved to the children. Notes-reminding me I'm involved, reminders that my presence is requested, wanted, needed somewhere. The computer-holder of too many emails reminding me of events that I'm supposed to attend, places to go, recipes to follow up on, pictures to print/order for books.

I went to bed, still trying to get comfortable, but with a different mindset- soaking up this pregnancy, not worrying about all that had yet to be accomplished. I wonder who it is I'm carrying, this boy or girl whose face I don't know. Knowing in just a matter of months my heart is going to expand even more than it already has, no matter how crazy our life is/will be, just how much we wanted this baby and how blessed we are to have one more. I am content, there's nothing more that I want. I may think about money or getting things paid off, but really, I don't need more-I may want more-but its more about me wanting to share what we have, my time, energy, love, passion, being a giver, not a taker. Santosha-my mantra.

Monday, October 4, 2010

easy come, easy go.

Life is a busy chaos with three children-I don't always feel I have the time that I want to blog about what's going on, or who did something cute. Its been such a switch the past few months, getting into a good groove with kids and new schedules, relaxing my standards for the sake of my sanity, and reevaluating my priorities. I still have a ton of pictures to get online, but I think before I cross that bridge, I just need to remember to back them up-so that said, that's my goal for this week.

We got paid this week, and while I normally hyperventilate over the bills that are due-why-because I do feel pressure to make money stretch (and have some leftover for savings), even if its my own doing-for awhile I've had a change of perspective0I know we'll cross each bridge as we get to it. The anniversary of purchasing our home six years ago is quickly approaching-and that milestone puts into focus not only how much our lives have changed since that time, but the personal growth both R and I have experienced together and as adults is on my mind. I feel it more so, maybe because the depth of experiences I've had in the past six years feels like an awful lot when compared to R not hitting those in such a short time frame. I forget where I'm going with this, but the bottom line is that I've been working on self improvement-letting go of control more and more (funny how having more kids has done that to me) because I know too much control will just make me wacky and backfire on me in the future. I've noticed a change with the boys too-as much as we are go, go, go, there are times when I've said we're just not going to get there by a certain time, we're going to have to deal with it (and any consequences), life moves forward. Period. That held true even today, we all overslept, and the boys had a half hour to eat, dress, R and I to make lunches, get ourselves ready, and do what we need to do to get everyone where they needed to be. I think the kids forgot to do something-can't remember what-but the point is they made the bus (which is something they love), no one was super panicked-because we know if we miss it, we miss it, and we all were responsible for not being ready, and we are still standing and in one piece.

I told R last night I feel like when the air gets cooler around here in our physical environment, its easier for me to think. Easier to meal plan, easier to deal w/ chaos, easier to just enjoy my surroundings. Its not to say that life was completely miserable during the heat waves we experienced, but it was definitely a different pace-almost like survival mode instead of relaxation mode. Maybe its the nesting mode, or the laid back mode of just enjoying the last 11 weeks of this pregnancy, but the hum of ideas and to do lists I have have become more laid back-or I just know we'll get to them as we get to them.