Santosha

I am nearing the 33rd week of this pregnancy, and while life has been busy, I have been trying to make time for myself-hard to pencil in with a houseful of kids. Always getting pulled in one direction or another. I came across this word-forget which article I was reading-but it was one that I heard a lot while watching Eat Pray Love a few months back, and it struck me. Contentment, not wanting more than what you already have. I had been struggling with that-more or less-wondering why I'm not as hyper focused on diaper deals, nesting, tidying up a house that stays relatively clean as far as filth goes-our home will never be a showcase home, but it does look lived in and like children reside here. My hormones have been bizarre-more than I ever remember with the boys. I lamented to R last night in between trying to get comfortable for the nth time, and apologizing for the lack of a hot cooked meal, when he looked and said, Jen, you're getting ready to have a baby-don't beat yourself up. It wasn't so much what he said, but how he said it, that helped pull me out of a fog I think I was walking through yesterday.

I looked around our home later before we went to bed and I saw something different than when I had a few hours earlier-the machine holding dishes from a dinner that was made with love-even if it was pancakes, fruit, and yogurt. It would have been fine if it was a freezer meal, or take out, but we managed with what was already here. Clothes waiting to be folded-but yet they were clean. Books scattered-for the love of the boys and my reading, glad those were around. Toys, random to me, loved to the children. Notes-reminding me I'm involved, reminders that my presence is requested, wanted, needed somewhere. The computer-holder of too many emails reminding me of events that I'm supposed to attend, places to go, recipes to follow up on, pictures to print/order for books.

I went to bed, still trying to get comfortable, but with a different mindset- soaking up this pregnancy, not worrying about all that had yet to be accomplished. I wonder who it is I'm carrying, this boy or girl whose face I don't know. Knowing in just a matter of months my heart is going to expand even more than it already has, no matter how crazy our life is/will be, just how much we wanted this baby and how blessed we are to have one more. I am content, there's nothing more that I want. I may think about money or getting things paid off, but really, I don't need more-I may want more-but its more about me wanting to share what we have, my time, energy, love, passion, being a giver, not a taker. Santosha-my mantra.