Saturday, February 15, 2014

Where I'm at

My friend just shared this remarkable post from Jon Acuff who I had the pleasure of meeting face to face a couple of years back. I'm not personal friends with him, but just another of one of his fans. Reading this has made me want to write-not that I hadn't wanted to earlier, I just thought, I better grab this chance to write when I can.

I am
-physically getting stronger. Six months ago the word burpee was not in my vocabulary. 5 am wake ups were something I did when I had nursing babies or prep time for grad school.
-grasping at healing emotionally from MILs passing. There are good days and bad, thinking about it too much still makes me wince and feel like I'm pulling off the worst bandage of my life.
-rediscovering cooking. Really cooking. Paleo cooking. Whole food cooking. Instagram, Facebook, Paleo bloggers, the farm stand as inspiration. Boxes/cans are not the primary focal point in my pantry (but I have more cooking pans/tools than I did last October (thankful to my MIL for her kitchenware)
-am a mother who is realizing that her sons and daughter need to see me for who I am, and all my shortcomings. I can't be supermom, and I appreciate when they lend a helping hand to both their dad and me.
-I'm me. A mess of medium long hair that needs to get colored again, nails done, and an updated wardrobe. Yet I can be counted on to make treats for church (16 dozen this morning!) and focus on when I need to be mom or wife. I still have a love of reading, scrapbooking, and couponing, just add foodie and gym rat to the list. I'm me. Rediscovering who I am at 34 1/2, learning grace and being okay with where I'm at. I'm me.

Monday, January 20, 2014

In the midst of chaos

In the midst of raising a family, there are moments where I can take a step back and say, Wow. Look at what I have. Yesterday was one of those moments. Going on our annual Cub Scout trip to Sacramento was difficult-the memories of Grandma being there at the end of our journey, to see the kids, give them a hug and kiss, we noticed it. Robert noticed it. He noticed the fact that we didn't call her to let her know we were there, and where best to meet us. He noticed. We trudged through the murkiness of emotions, and tried to make the best of the day. Some days really that's all you can do.

So yesterday, we're on the couch cuddling and having downtime. I look above us, and see a familiar site. Gabriel smiling at us. Smiling at mom and dad, who are cuddling on the couch. It was like wow, look at what he sees. Two parents, one home, not fighting about money, not scrambling to make dinner, not worrying about what's yet to come-just the two of us chilling together, enjoying our downtime.

It's one of those moments that made me go, I hope he remembers this when we're gone. I want him to strive to find a partner he can talk to, cuddle with, work through the murkiness of a parents death. I want him to find joy in sitting and touching, and just being in the moment with his partner, as if nothing else is around-but to see his own child smile too. I am so grateful that we have what we have, we have worked so hard to get where we are, and the journey continues. At the end of the day, I'm thankful I chose a partner who I can sit next to on a couch, surrounded by chaos, and know we'll get through it together.