Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Coming full circle

On Sunday, I was where I needed to be, and who I needed to be with. We skipped out on church while Robert went to work, spent time with my friend K and her boys. We relate on so many levels, but truth be told, 8 years ago when we first met in MOMS Club, we didn't really know each other-her youngest is the same age as Gabriel (and I was in the midst of grad school during that time, so not the most active member) but in recent time with facebook, instagram, our lives moving on a similar path, we crossed paths once more and it's been an eye opening and thought provoking experience.

She has provided inspiration through going Paleo, Whole 30, our boys connect, and most importantly, she understands my crazy, chaotic life. We have been struggling with some issues for awhile, and my initial thoughts of doubt, overthinking and questioning have been set aside with the words of her own experience. The conversations we've had recently remind me why making connections and building relationships and friendships through all stages of motherhood is important-because motherhood is the most freakingly hard, exhausting, mind numbing experience sometimes, and there is no instruction book.

Today we discussed the how and why we're both wondering if working outside the home is all that it's cracked up to be when we have full plates at home. How we juggle the needs of our kids (who going through their issues really do need us in their corner), our relationship with our spouse, the day to day responsibilities of life, and  how we take care of ourselves. We came to the realization that it takes a village to raise a child-yet that village is now something we have to create on our own. I sensed that early on when we moved away from our families, and we had to be self-reliant, or go broke covering for sitters and paid help so we could get a date night every couple of months. We need support in all stages of motherhood, not just when our babies are nursing and not sleeping through the night. I need to know I'm not the only one struggling with bullies, school work, interventions, etc. I want my family to thrive, not just survive. Let it be known I don't hold anything against those who work, those who stay at home, everyone is entitled to make the decision that suits them and their family. I am just becoming hyper sensitive to the point that our immediate circle of support is fairly limited and I find myself questioning how we can outlay to get that support while we both work outside the home.

I don't feel like we have just been surviving, but I do feel we're at the brink of change, and that is something that we need to explore. I want what's best for my kids, want to know the legacy I leave behind is four individuals who are confident, competent, caring individuals. My job as a mom something I don't get to do over, I have this time, this season to work through the kinks, knead and shape my children's hearts and minds.

This season of motherhood is moving at warp speed. I sense that everyday I check something off my to-do list and I see my children grow and learn, asking questions, provoking me to think about the path we are on.

I'm not quite sure where that leaves me on the "go back to work" front. Right now is a sea of appointments and figuring out what we need to do and what is covered by insurance. I'm going to bide my time, not be Suzy Homemaker or a Donna Reed wannabe, but be me. Be a 35 year old mom of four, with my scheduled days of preschool, dr.'s appointments, volunteer responsibilities (which is actually shorter this year than in years past). I'm going to let life lead me where I'm supposed to be.

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