Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Five years

This week has been the week of urgent care visits. It has been the week of no coupon-ing, living out of the pantry, staying one load ahead of laundry, more times of counting to ten so I don't lose my patience week. I'm still standing. I thought I would come on here tonight, filled with ideas and quotes from my children-yet I can't do it. I can't. What is on my mind now is the knowledge of what one of my peers shared with me tonight from Auston's dad.

You see, Auston's dad came back this weekend. He came back this weekend to go back to work-his work that told him his sick time ran out and his pay would be docked if he stayed out longer. So he returned to work, and mom went out to finish radiation. Radiation that should have been over in a couple of weeks-now at least four weeks. I want to write out more what has transpired since my last post, yet it still is hard to wrap my head around; let alone write. Yet what was said to me tonight, as hard as it is to hear, to wrap my head around, gave me hope. Its weird.

You see, a discharge year, 2017 was given. 2017. Who here has thought of where they will be in 2017? I haven't. Not now. But because I now have that year on my mind, I will be 37, Robert will be 54, Matthew will be 12 (almost 13) and in the seventh grade, Gabriel will be 11 and in the 6th grade, Elijah will be nine and in the 4th grade, and Rebecca will be six and in the 1st grade. That gives me chills, thinking of it that way. 5 years of treatment in some form lies ahead. Statistics are numbing. It makes you marvel at life, medicine, things that have no answer. I could look at this one way-or I can see it another.




I am torn wanting to run, cry, and I'm not even his mom-yet this continues to touch me to my core. I've heard motherhood changes you-makes it where your heart lives outside your chest, you don't see faces of those hurting just as nameless people-but as someone's daughter. Someone's son.

My head still hurts from sickness. Yet its nothing life altering. Not like our friends. I am at a weird place.

No comments: