Time crunch. It hits. I'm exhausted. Overwhelmed. Freaked Out. Panic Attack. I hated being like this. It a vicious one, one that I've been slowly disentangling myself from, slowly, unraveling the layers, one layer at a time. Going to the family dinner and bible study on Wednesday night has started being a good outlet for me-and the family. I was worried about adding one more thing to our plate, wondering if it was going to be too much. Yet, its having the opposite effect. Its causing me to reexamine how I live my life, how I want to live. Really live, not just exist.
Speaking of living, I about busted up laughing yesterday with a good friend. I just read this stupid post on facebook, one where I congratulated someone on paying for a brand new car in cash. A reply to my comment was, "How does a new car equate to no payments? Usually a new car means new payments unless you're a billionaire!" Immediately I thought of a friend who paid for her minivan in cash, and thought, well she's a billionaire when it comes to love and family, so maybe that's alright. Mind you, I don't know what's in her wallet, and I don't care.
I then saw a post where my friend wrote about struggle to follow Dave Ramsey at that moment, and I wrote, "I just saw the stupidest post about only billionaires being able to pay cash for cars. seriously, the phrase slave to lender came to mind. ugh, lets be weird together, and go to dinner tonight at the church. much better use of our funds :)" Over dinner we laughed about how she's trying to get rid of her car payment, and how we've been going for
almost four years with only one car, because to add a car payment to our budget would stress us out. I look forward to the day of not having a car payment, of paying for Robert's truck with cash.
So time, it has a way of going. I have been soaking up Rebecca's babyhood with cuddles, helping the boys with the challenges of homework, the watching old Dennis the Menace shows with them. We eat together, Robert and I chill after bedtime. I'm reexamining commitments, realizing its okay to say no. Its hard, because I always say yes. Yet its okay to be still, its necessary. Robert is telling me to slow down-and I am. Its hard, I fight my inner worker bee mentality. I want to show my children what it is to live, not just exist. We're becoming weirder by the day, and that's okay.