Monday, April 11, 2011


The past few days since the divorce hearings, my mind has been busy. Busy with my own kids, busy with trying to keep up with what mystery shops I had to complete, busy juggling Moms Club responsibilities. I had to shelve what questions I had, my emotions about it, just so I could focus on what I needed to. Yet at the same time, my thoughts and feelings were there. Shelved, but there. I talked to Robert about it on the ride home from Sacramento. It was a crazy busy day-and finally, I could talk to him while the kids were off with their friends.

The whole thing is a mess-but in the end-its not my mess. My parents will have to be adults and hash it out. Its unfortunate that my mom is the way she is-but there's definitely something not all there; but its out of my control. I have to remind myself that my marriage is my own-that I'm not repeating history. I wonder sometimes if I'm going to turn into her-the one that needs control, likes things in order to the nth degree, become unglued if plans change.

Saturday was a huge test-and I feel like at the end of the day, it was all okay-but it was quite a challenge. I thought I had it all figured out-had low expectations-yet even those were tested. It was a miracle we made it back to the train stop back home right in the nick of time, and I thought it was going to be a long, uncomfortable ride back home. That didn't happen-if anything it was more fun than the ride home. It goes to show how Robert and I are compatible-how we balance each other out-and how we work together as a team. I was acknowledged for facing challenges head on-and putting up with some crazy ideas. The kids saw us hashing out our differences-but not in a mean spirited, hurtful way. Instead of fuming all the way home, we communicated-and didn't let it boil over. Our focus was one and the same-the safety of our children and ourselves. All of this helps me see the path I'm taking is different from my parents. I could not control anything or anyone other than myself. I wish I could say the same for others-that they could see the same way I do. For life would be different, and perhaps a bit sweeter.

Its not easy to say that my mom is not a part of my life. It is hard when I hear my friends talk about taking the kids to see Grandma, or how their mom tries to impart their views on their life. Its sad that she's missed out on the pregnancies, the day to day life with children, welcoming a baby girl into my life. I am not proud of the situation-but I also cannot hide from what it is. She's mentally imbalanced-and for the sake of my family's wellbeing-its best that she's not part of it. Sad. I do have a better relationship with my dad-but its taken years to get to this point. I always look forward to his visits-and so do his grandchildren. He hears the stories of how Robert and I are always trying to work stuff out-but not in a negative way-just in the day to day life that it is having children, work, and school responsibilities. He gives credit where its due, but will also speak up when he disagrees. I'm looking forward to his trip out here in a couple of weeks; he has yet to meet Rebecca and I cannot wait to get some pictures of him with all the grandchildren.

1 comment:

Dana said...

Your perspective sounds very healthy for the situation. I'm sorry you're going through this though!