August 20, 2010, 25 weeks w/baby #4
The past six weeks I've been in somewhat of a funk. It started off small, with one annoyance or another; somethings by itself I probably could have dealt with, but combined with larger issues, made me retreat and say, "Its time to step back and reevaluate who I am, what I'm doing, and what is important to me." I ate, I prayed, I took joy in the simple things like taking the boys to the water features, or feeling this sweet baby of ours move inside me. There were times of tears, sadness, heartache, and others of bliss, gratefulness, and awe at how things work themselves out. I realized more than ever a need for simplicity yet giving to others what they lack. Whether it was watching someone's child, or bringing backpacks from a dollar store for a back to school fundraiser, or even just letting someone come over to my messy house because they needed a safe place to vent, I realized its okay. So the house isn't perfect, the bookcases aren't pristinely filled with books, we eat home more than we dine out, its all okay. Its realizing I've learned more about my marriage and what I want each of us to bring in and care for, and at the same time watching in silent admiration how those who have something else are working at it alone or together with someone they love. To know that I need to take care of myself, and saying no is okay, to realizing my zest for having my hand in many pots, is okay. Its knowing that life is messy and delicious, and I wouldn't change having my babies, or carrying one more within me. Yes I'm starting over with babyhood, but I'm not the same brand new 24 year old finding out I'm pregnant for the first time. Its taken me awhile to be able to write again, I've missed it, missed writing about the day to day, wanting to write about how I feel about what I see or don't see in the world, letting my voice come out through my fingertips. I've been giving thought to if we're having a daughter, how I want her to be able to express herself. Knowing that the world isn't always what it seems, but she can make her own way, and that she can pick herself up, I want her to have the tools. But in order to do that, I want to mirror that to her-even when she follows her own path, or dare I say, we have another son, I want my boys to respect women and their ability to make their own decisions, and live their lives, and be whatever they desire to be. I don't have control over anything. Not what happens to others, what outcomes prevail, I can only guide and lead by example. So I am picking myself up, six weeks, loads of ice cream and thoughtful discussions over coffee and iced tea, reading blogs and discussions in message boards, and lots of prayers. Finally, thankfully, I'm able to write again.