broken down

I haven't posted in the past week, and it first it was because I was too busy. Then things slowed down, and I was ready to jump back in. Then once again, things get turned upside down, and I really don't know where to go, or what to do.
Its no secret R and I have worked hard to take care of ourselves-we pride on never asking for help, always doing what we can to help others. Therefore, its horrible when we run into a tough situation between the two of us, and we plug away at ironing out the kinks. I'm glad we're of that mindset, since really, we love each
other and the family we've established.

With everything going on financially for us, I've felt like I've developed a cocoon around us-to sheild us from misguided expenses, to keep steadfast towards our goals. No matter what, things always find us. R's grandfather is ill-so we've talked about putting money aside so he can see him in a few months-or whenever its non-peak season (which is looking like February).

That trip is now being debated, since last night my world was rocked once again. The call I got last night-through the family grapevine, I learned my maternal grandmother has breast cancer-and today she's getting the results of some tests. The line was filled w/ static so I couldn't get all the info-but sothing about catching it early, second masectomy, biopsy, all this swirled in my mind. I called my grandmother-under the premise of the Jewish New Year, and was dismayed to hear her critical remarks-about stuff that I never said, things I never did, to my momand hurtful remarks about my siblings and how we all treat our mom. It took every fiber of my being to not shout, to bite my tongue, and just tell her life is what it is and I can't undo it. Not once did she say anything about cancer, and I didn't feel it was my place to say something if she didn't want me to know. Through all this I'm considering, do I want to see her before she passes-(because no matter what, we're not immortal), and the truth is she'll probably never come here to visit my kids. R and I talked about it, and said if I felt the need to go, he'd support me, 100%. On a lark, I looked up airfare, for me and Baby E (the older boys would stay w/ R-its too expensive for all 5 of us to fly back on such short notice, and I'm not crazy about taking all 3 boys by myself across the country on a plane-if they were a little bit older, I could deal, but not right now). $500, 2 weeks from now, for one week, a car rental for the week is $250-give or take. We're going to keep our options open. So much to think about, keep in mind, and all while trying to keep on track w/ our own ever growing list of expenses.
Sigh.............